i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize