you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
