Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I supernannyed him into submission
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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