Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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