please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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