Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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