Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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