I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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