i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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