Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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