my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
