I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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