You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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