The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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