Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
