All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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