i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
