I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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