Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
