I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think my moral compass just broke
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