I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
