mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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