TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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