Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
