My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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