Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
