I wish my penis had an off switch
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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