My first STD was from a foam party
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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