I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
