May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
