Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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