how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
