I haven't been this sober since birth.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
