my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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