i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
