how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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