Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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