I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
