I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
