it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
