I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
