The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
