Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
