Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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