Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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