I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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