I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
