I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
