I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
