"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
