Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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