Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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