If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I would fuck him just for his dog
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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