totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
