Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
look no pants
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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