I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize