I showed him my bush... on skype.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
