he wants to bone in the snuggie
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize