and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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