Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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